IVF & Our Story Part 4 - The long goodbye


Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

Robert Frost


That title for some reason makes me think of the Paul Brady song, I am not a fan but for some reason that song is stuck in my head this evening. I promised last week I would finish up with this post, I want to tie up some loose ends about the whole fertility thing, between then and now, perception and next steps. I could spend weeks thanking people for their kindness and advice since I started writing about our story. I could have never have dreamed i'd get such a response. It is one of those things that is not spoken about enough, from my perspective a male one or even to a high degree on the female side. There is a stigma out there that it should be something to be ashamed of, well I tell you there is not one bone in my body after these past few weeks that would make me feel ashamed of our story or my blogs. 

I have no reason to be and that's because of you, everyone I have spoken to on Facebook, this blog, in person or on email, there are so many people going through this, been through this or know somebody who has gone through it. There is absolutely nothing to be scared of whatsoever letting people know this is part of your life.  I remember when we first started doing IVF hearing stories that I should be careful who I tell, you never know how they might take it. One person even said to me that they were wary telling family, especially if they were religious they might take exception to interfering with what god had intended stuff. I couldn't believe that someone could be like that or so insensitive. I remember telling my own mum, she is quite religious and goes to church everyday, she couldn't be happier about the whole thing that we were trying our best to make a family, and if this was the road we had to go then fair play. She prayed like there was no tomorrow these past 2.5 years to get some sort of breakthrough and she supported us every step of the way. In fact thus far I have yet to speak with one negative person in regards to undertaking IVF.

I also find it hard when people tell me they are pregnant, as I don't know what to do. Not for the reason that they are pregnant on the contrary I am elated for them, although I end up feeling really bad for them especially if they knew we were doing IVF. On a couple of occasions now people be they friends or family have told me they are pregnant. One such instance is when a very good friend of mine told me she was pregnant got quite upset telling me, as if she was giving me bad news. It was around the time of our first failure in Ireland so I did get where she was coming from and I hate that she had to feel like that. People are awesome and don't want to upset your feelings. I was absolutely delighted she was expecting, what me and Joanne are going through I think is different if you get me. I think at the start of the IVF if I heard someone was pregnant I would immediately think "Shitballs wish that was us", but now we have been through it or I guess to some extent still going through I never think like that anymore. I see us as being on this train, only we have not arrived at the station yet, we might get to our destination eventually just it's gonna take a little more time with a dearer ticket.

The reason I say a dearer ticket, IVF flat out is dear, it is beyond dear. I have no idea how so many people go through more than 3 or 4 rounds. I think now the dust has settled we have spent at least mid 20s on treatment. The thing is though you would try absolutely anything to get that little boy or girl, I am though nearly glad in a way the last clinic said it might not be possible or that embryos would not be feasible. That statement is two fold, the PGS allowed us see in to the future if you will, what it allows you do is see if your embryos are viable. The PGS saved us further heartbreak and pain I believe, especially as they said all 4 would most likely result in a miscarriage. We also know now having done the PGS that maybe it is not possible to have our own kids and had we not known that we could have ploughed more money in to something that may never come to fruition.  



When we finished up at the clinic they said we had the option of donor eggs. Basically with donor eggs, they take an egg from a specified donor that is matched as closely possible to your appearance and try the exact same IVF process all over again. The upside is though the eggs are of high quality which increases your chances. The problem is however it comes with some baggage, firstly there is the mental aspect of it all. Mental in the sense of coming to terms with the process of matching my sperm with a donor. I think we both would have a good level of interest in it, but we would also be apprehensive about it, tell us stories please if you have done it. So many people in recent weeks that I have spoken to suggest counselling as a great outlet for getting to grips with what you would be partaking in. It is not as simple as Phoebe and Frank her brother in Friends. The other aspect of donor programmes is the money, it like IVF costs an arm and a leg, that again could ultimately leave you without an arm and a leg at the end. Programmes in our clinic in Spain range from 6k - 12k. You also have the dread or the real fear that it may go wrong and there would be no success, I guess though if we went that route we would have tried every option. People have suggested other clinics, in the Czech Republic, Cyprus and Greece but I think if we did do it we may look at our clinic in Spain as we loved them. It is hard to think how we could love a bunch of people like that when the end result was failure. What can I say we trusted them and still do.

Adoption, adoption and more adoption. I have heard this so often but the long and the short is in this country it is not possible. The process is crazy long, and costs a fortune. I think we would be open to adoption but it is just a non runner. Sure we could adopt from a country abroad but again a lot of money is needed and time. Right now I think me and Joanne are in assessment mode, where and what do we do next. Luckily for us we have a busy year ahead, we have a couple of weddings and most importantly are summer holiday booked. Unless something happens naturally, which would be typical, this year we have taken off from fertility. We are though going to gather up all our options, and see where we stand in early 2018. We feel its the best thing to do, we are going to get our heads back on track and hopefully come out the other side with some more clarity. We are open in the interim to ideas, herbs ( the Chinese kind ), vitamin supplements and other suggestions to some how achieve what modern fertility treatment didn't. That in itself would be amazing. 

See it really is like the long goodbye isn't it, I just can't let it go. I want to finish off by saying if you do know someone that would benefit from these blogs tell them about it. If you or your husband /wife need to chat to some big eejit from Limerick about IVF send me an email i'd be glad to chat. These past 4 posts have been my therapy, my counselling, that sick knot in my stomach I had for weeks after Christmas is gone because I have spilt my thoughts on to this blog. 

My emails:


Thanks for the help everyone you have been awesome therapists,

Will

Comments

  1. You sound like the nicest most normal genuine big eejit from limerick.loved reading your personal story and admire you both.we could all be at this cross roads and money can buy everything but the fact ur still both madely in love and have stayed strong for each other is the best basis for whatever you do in 2018.enjoy your year off, drink eat party laugh cry and you never know what might come your way.best wishes sarah

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  2. Your writing is truly amazing. You say it has been therapy for you but you have really helped others.
    I know of a couple when went to see a doctor, Dr Patrick Boylan in Galway. I think he deals in natural diet and supplements to aid fertility. Might be worth a check.
    I'll continue the prayers. Best wishes to you both, a lovely couple.
    Maura

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    1. Thanks alot Maura a good few people have suggested Dr. Boylan, I will check him out.

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  3. Williem if I had the money I'd give it to you and Joanne, you are both amazing at what you have being through. You should both be so proud of yourselves as I know your families are so proud of you both. Hang in there both of you and stay strong for each other, you both deserve the best of happiness. ❤

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    1. Thanks alot Caroline!! really appreciate it :)

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  4. Never give up. I have my two miracle twins as testament. I would not have had them without fertility treatment and it is a very long and personal journey. Have you made contact with the Robin Hill Clinic in Cobh, Cork. I can thank Deirdre Macaskey fOr helping to maintain my pregnancy. She runs the Natural Fertility Clinic from there with great success.
    The best of luck on your continued journey , and most importantly don't neglect yourselves xx

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  5. I have heard of Deirdre already, there are a couple of people who have recommended her. Thanks again Tina for reading and commenting. Will

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  6. Was looking at Joanne on snap chat this morning and she mentioned your blog "The Cooks Belly" so I logged on... I just finished part 4 of your story. Wow.. I have no words.. Good Luck to you both... xx

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  7. You have been through so much and I hope your journey has a happy ending. We have recently started with NeoFertility in the Beacon, it's only been one month so I can't say they have worked for us yet but they have a lot of success stories if you want to check them out. They focus on optimisming both the male and female fertility health to try and achieve natural conception. Best of luck x

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  8. In tears reading your blogs, thanks for sharing your story, fertility is something nobody talks about so you suffer in silence. Wishing you both the very best for the future x

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