It has been a few months since I last wrote on here, I let all my time be consumed by other side projects. I don't think I can technically call my brothers wedding a side project but I had best man duties to care of, Summer holidays with Joanne and the big day itself of course my Brother's wedding day. An insane few months but I loved every second of it especially my best man speech and the months of prep I put in to the video presentation. Although with that like a bolt from the blue my whole year changed as did my family's year. I thought this year was going to be one of those years that would be different to the past two, being an adult is not easy sometimes. I am still only getting used to what it is like to lose someone to illness, I think I have been some what fortunate up until now to have not experienced too many close passings of family and friends. That sounds awfully morbid but it is the truth. I had never known truly what it is like to lose somebody up until these past few years. I am not sure how others experience it all as it is not something I would sit down and speak to someone with like friends or colleagues it is bit like the IVF yoke. It is a private process "Grief" that is, someone needs to go through it a lot by themselves I suspect. It is one of those things in life it is hard to go through no matter what way you approach it or come at it.
In recent years I have lost my grandfather and my niece, they have both stuck with me and how I dealt with their passings, I found both incredibly difficult. Prior to them both the only person close to me would have been my dad's father nearly 16 years ago, and at the time I had no clue how I was meant to deal with his passing as I never experienced it before. It is now getting harder to come to terms with as I grow older. I listen to older family members say it gets easier, maybe you learn to some how deal with it and take solace in the fact you may somewhere see them again in another life or something. Right now though I am in that limbo and I feel that close family or friends passing away is getting harder not easier. Last weekend my cousin on my dad's side in Holland passed away. It was sudden and unexpected, a 23 year old woman in the prime of her life passing away is heartbreaking. I cannot imagine how her mum, dad and sister are dealing with it right now, I am only her cousin and it floored me all week. Myself and Joanne attended her funeral few days ago and the entire service was so beautiful and heartbreaking in the same vein. As a grown man I must go 365 days without shedding a tear but I have no shame in saying it gets to a point for me where I cannot stop. The service was tremendous with such beautiful but sad words from family and friends it was so personal to see and be a part of. With Beaudine's passing ( that was my cousin's name ) previous passings come back and it all comes back in to one big ball of grief to deal with.
It is not getting easier, the grief and the ability to deal with death. I talk and talk to Joanne, it is amazing to have a partner like her and I hope when she experiences close passings to her I will be very much be there for her, it is great to have a rock beside you without that rock I don't know how I would approach such tragic events. The whole thing fills me with such dread, I guess like the whole IVF thing it is so important to talk with your nearest and dearest because otherwise you are going to bottle it up. Sometimes a certain amount of bottling up could be good in the smallest of amounts, but when you need help to get through something talk to people. I just wish these times in life were easier, but talking makes it easier. Sorry this was just a rambling of sorts I really wanted to get this out of my system but I have felt like a big bucket of grief and dread all week long.
Beaudine de Korte ( 1994 - 2017 )