It keeps coming back

My heads in a mess and I'm stressed

But I guess it's a test
In the quest for happiness

And the rest of that mess
So I best just acquiesce

Mr Pip.

It isn't getting any easier, it really isn't. I thought it would but it doesn't. For the past 3 weeks I have felt in a mire of a hole, a dark place full of darkness. I have been utterly miserable without knowing why, I couldn't place the reason. I have felt lethargic, angry, snappy and introspective when I walk in my own company. Like a clap of thunder it hit me Friday lunchtime why I have been feeling this sub conscious shit feeling within myself. All it took was for me to walk around with Joanne for a lunchtime to suddenly come to some clarity. Like a lot of things I do, I talk about something, bring it out in to the open and then put it away again. I am however finding this hard to do with IVF. Do I hate talking about it? Yes 100%, do I hate those three little letters? Yes 100%. I thought for the first 4 months of this year chatting about the whole thing was so cathartic but it doesn't last long. Without me even knowing the thoughts of November and December of 2016 were creeping back in to my mind. 

This time last year Joanne and myself were so full of hope, we thought we had cracked the nut of IVF and were doing everything right this time. We jumped through the hoops one last time in Spain to try and achieve something we had waited so long for. Everything seemed right, we were pros at this IVF thing by now, we even had our mums there to back us up. Everything seemed right, meant to be. I will forever be haunted by this time of the year, I feel the dread and sick feeling in my stomach right now writing this. I am writing this for more help, I get and share help with Joanne, we are a very talkative and supportive couple, but I need to write things like this down to further help my mind. To think back on going from such positive thoughts to drop like a penny in to the ocean on December 23rd 2016 of complete despair for us both. I cannot forget it, I want to try and forget it but right now I can't seem to forget it. That Christmas was my worst experience in life to date. It has at times felt like a bereavement of sorts knowing you cannot achieve life, you cannot reproduce and be the dad and mum you always wanted to be. 

I always wanted to be a dad and Joanne always wanted to be a mum, to take that away from a person is hard. Something so hard to even fathom nearly a year later. For these past 3 weeks it has gnawed away at me knowing we are coming up to that day, December 23rd. Last week I feel was the hardest, I felt it was like a tonne weight bearing down on me trying to think about things otherwise. Joanne and myself in the main have a had a good year, we have got us back to where we once belong, but if I could change one thing is to forget and blot out the dread and pain of IVF. I hope that as each year goes by, the older we get, the easier it gets but 1 year in to this new landscape of our lives, those three letters are continuing to gnaw away at me. Do I wish we have kids? sometimes I sit and think I do, but I see how hard a job it really is for family and friends, the flip side is to think how or if I would have been a good dad which is far more harder in your mind to deal with. Is it hard seeing so much in life geared at family and kids? Yeah to be honest that part has gotten more difficult. It is like a club you are not allowed be a part of despite the longing and want to be included. Christmas has slightly become that in my head, my desire to be Santa Claus to my own son or daughter is now gone. Even this time last year I asked to be a volunteer for the 2017 work kids Christmas party, thinking oh this time next year we might have our own child to bring along. I got the meeting invite in September of this year to join the team in work for the party. I withdrew because I just couldn't involve myself with something so close to that club you could never be a part of. It may sound petty or childish on my behalf but my mind couldn't allow it. 

My wish for this Christmas is despite how much it has given us strength as a married couple is still I wish we had not gone through it. Despite everything else, my love for Joanne is unwavering. I think we are two strange weird individuals sometimes because we are so alike and talk too much. Recently someone jokingly said to me why do I hold my wife's hand walking down the street? I hold her hand because she is my best friend and would be a lost soul without her. I hope to be with her till we are old and grey.

Today is International Men's Day, yeah it means zero like these other days to celebrate something. The one thing is though if men as a collective could be more expressive and let their families and friends know how they feel especially in this country we may have less people suffering from depression or committing suicide. This month I am walking around with a hairy moustached lip, I have previously done Movember in aid of cancer research but this year I am supporting Pomegranate. They operate a charity for IVF patients in Ireland. I am just happy to be giving back to other couples facing this life changing state.

Thanks for reading.